Are you Trying too Hard to be Friends with your Ex?

Sad kids with parents arguing

Still too Attached to your Ex?


Are you trying too hard to be friends with your ex-husband?

Do you believe that staying friends for the kids’ sake is the ‘right’ thing to do?

In what ways is staying attached to him beneficial to you?

Regardless of why you now find yourself divorced and long after the court sends you a copy of your final divorce decree in the mail, you may still feel that intense, emotional longing deep down inside to try to stay closely connected to your ex.

Unfortunately, this habitual and often subconscious longing to stay involved in your ex’s life can hold you back from taking the necessary steps forward to lead you toward a greater sense of autonomy and independence.

“Hoping for and seeking out a friendship with your former husband are risky situations.  If you flirt with them, keep a wary eye on yourself or someday down the line you’ll be facing the hard work of disconnecting all over again,” advises Sandra Kahn, author of Leaving Him Behind.

Here are some warning signs that you could be still too emotionally involved with your ex:

  1. Do you continue to confide in your ex-husband and does he continue to confide in you?
  2. Are you ever hurt, angered or disappointed by information he shares with you about his life?
  3. Is he judgmental or critical (in the name of caring) about your behavior?
  4. Does your “friendship” with your ex-husband interfere with or irritate new men in your life?

 Sometimes, despite our conscious awareness that we should step back from touching that hot stove again- we find ourselves reaching out and hoping it will hurt a little bit less this time.

We tend to focus on remembering the ‘good parts’ of our past marital relationship and block out the upsetting memories of the destructive and painful ways that our marriage unraveled.

Do you feel stuck and unable to move forward?

Have you fully grieved the loss of your expectations and hopes about how you wanted your marriage and family to be?

Have you peeled back and bandaged the multiple layers of your anger, fear and pain?

Holding onto the dead weight of these habit-forming emotional blocks way past their expiration date can be damaging to you emotionally, physically and spiritually.


Please let me know your thoughts in the Comments Section below.


  1. Wonderful article Nancy!…all too often after divorce, whether it was our decision to leave or not, we still allow that emotional chord to our ex-partner to remain attached and in tact. The crazy thing is, that sometimes we don’t even realize just how much that chord is not just attached but also strangling us from breathing the fresh deep breath of a new life filled with joy and the freedom to be our true selves unhindered!