Are you divorcing a narcissist and not really sure how to get started and what you need to know?
Is the thought of a permanent split so overwhelming that you just delay taking meaningful action or feel frozen in place during the separation or divorce process?
You are not alone.
When I finally made the decision to get away from my self-absorbed and controlling husband once and for all- setting that final boundary felt incredibly scary at times and I often felt as if I was surely losing my mind. I relied daily on information and support from my attorney, therapist , support groups and insightful books to help me understand and prepare for what was ahead of me- and even with all that support I still experienced many painful setbacks and discoveries that left me reeling and unsure what to do next.
Why is divorcing a narcissist an overwhelming, expensive and exhausting battle?
In William Eddy’s book, “Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist” attorney and therapist Eddy explains that “when Narcissists who are Blamers enter the court system there is a common-and sometimes severe-pattern of problems that can be anticipated. “
- Aggressively Blame a Target
- Are Emotionally Persuasive
- Recruit May Negative Advocates
- Present a False Public Persona
- Will Do Anything to “Win”
Unfortunately, mediation and working through an agreement outside of court often becomes nothing but an expensive exercise in frustration, anger and pain.
In my Columbus, Ohio County, both of us were ordered by the judge to attend several mediation sessions and pay for an expensive court-appointed mediator before we could have the judge review our case. When we showed up to see the mediator, our sessions led to no agreements whatsoever and I’d flee the mediator’s office in tears.
I also remember when my stbx would agree to meet me at a nearby coffee shop to ‘Talk things through’ about helping me to figure out where I would move with our 3 kids who currently lived within an expensive public school district after the judge ordered us to list our family home for sale within 30 days. (This court order came about due to my husband’s attorney’s filing insisting that he could no longer afford the payments on our family home since he had moved out and leased a luxury home with the other woman)
Instead of a interactive problem-solving discussion, he flipped the problem all back to me yelling that ” wherever you move and the high rent you’ll have to pay is YOUR problem now!” Incredibly, I’d try again a week or two later and get the same miserable results.
And when he’d stop by the family home to see the kids, he’d grab some left-over dinner out of the kitchen and try to coerce me into a Kitchen Table Divorce Agreement whipping out a black marker and the yellow legal tablet from his work planner.
Can you relate to trying to negotiate an agreement with a highly competitive, blaming spouse?
Needless to say, it took 2 years of court hearings and many ‘court approved experts’ to reach ANY agreement whatsoever regarding the finances of our brand new business, dividing the retirement accounts and especially conditions and divisions for parenting time.
As the 2 years doggedly dragged on, we found out that the judge in our case had been removed from her position and only rotating attorneys were filling in at court as the county continued its lengthy search for a new judge.
If you need true support and strategic guidance from someone who’s been in the emotional, financial and legal trenches while divorcing a narcissist, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me for your Complimentary Phone Consultation at Moving Forward Through Divorce 740-919-1248 or firstname.lastname@example.org